LIGHTER VEIN: Preeti, T-Rex And Me (Part Two)
On Jan 04, 2012
Continued from last week...
If Jay and Rosh were Himalayas of muscles, this guy who walked into the gym that day was so huge he blocked all sunlight falling on earth. His neck was so big it could give a rhino an inferiority complex; his arms so long, hairy and huge that you would think he stole them from a Gorilla and when he walked, the floor shook mildly [not the same way that bally leaf that shaked ..er ..shooked.. ah...er...shook in thunderstorm] and had the grace, finesse and polish of a Tyrannosaurus with docked tail.
"Are you the owner of this hole?" T Rex asked me in a voice that resembled a rumble from the skies.
I think I said yes, though I do not remember hearing me say it, but T Rex nodded and growled.
"I wanna sign up."
There was something very terrifying about this monster dinosaur that my fingers acted like they were struck by 'rigor mortis'; a condition very akin to the feeling you get if a few ants crawled inside your pants, decided to attack and bite your rump while you are in a bus jam-packed with beautiful girls.
When T Rex worked out, all gym stopped to watch and held their breaths. Lights flickered, altering from dim to bright in excitement. Boys gaped with their mouth open and Preeti watched him with the intensity of anticipation that comes to girls when they see Salman Khan about to step out of a car at their door .
T Rex was not exactly oblivious to all this attention and subservience from the other members. In fact, he enjoyed it very much, especially when Preeti ignored Jay and Rosh and gave her undivided attention to him. Every time she cast a glance at T Rex, his lungs swelled up, his cheeks puffed up, his Adams Apple rolled up and down as though he was gulping down a few apples that rolled down his mouth, eventually landing in his stomach, his eyes bulged out as though he was trying to take in as much of Preeti as possible; all this causing him to lift weights cranes would crumble under. He was also getting to be a little threatening in his posture if Preeti just as much glanced at anyone, as he would stare that guy down. It caused so much consternation that in a week's time, all the boys in the gym had stopped looking at Preeti as though she was made of Baskin Robbins’s Iron Butter Scotch with black cherries on top laced with tangerine crème.
Now, it was Preeti’s turn to get worried. In the past, she used to get any man’s undivided attention and now, the boys would look away if she was anywhere in the vicinity. She could not figure out how this change could have come over these boys and everytime, she tried to get one of the members into a conversation, she would find that she was talking to a man who was about to do a 100 m dash from where she was standing. But girls being girls, she did figure out that the reason was indeed T Rex. This seemed to upset her no end and she decided to hit back at T Rex as best as a woman could. And as they say, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
I did not know that she had these horrid plans for T Rex and I was to play a key role in it. As a normal man who was normally inclined to be attracted to beautiful women, it was only normal that I fell for her sweet talk and overtures, which were calculated to catch T Rex’s attention. I, on my part, was especially overjoyed when she started to give me all the attention she could bring to her command. She would loudly say, every time after her workout,
“Venu dear, would you please give me a ride home?”
“I like sitting behind a strong man like you, who is so much in control of the bike.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see that this remark from Preeti made T Rex swallow in a few gallons of air through the mouth and nose, so fast that it pulled some of the dumbbells up, making them stand on end, as though wishing to announce their willingness to be sucked into his cavernous thoracic cavity. He also uttered sounds like the kind you hear from a marsh buffalo, which took in a swirl of green grass with a swish of its tongue and found out that it was actually made of fibre plastic. Occasionally he would shake his head violently, like an elephant shaking off mud from its body. His displeasure was very obvious and a shadow of physical assault loomed large over my fragile self. But then, it was all worth it, for Preeti had eyes only for me and she made no bones about showing it.
Or so I thought. I even told all in the gym that Preeti was my girl and we intended to elope someday soon, because her parents did not like their daughter to marry a muscle head. I even started looking around for a house where we could stay after marriage. I believed that Preeti would say yes when I proposed, because no woman would dare to openly flirt so much with a man unless she wished to go all the way. Or so I thought.
Then it happened. I always had some kind of protection in the gym from T Rex, but outside, it was a different matter. I was always careful not to run into T Rex on the road. I’d rather get hit or run over by a car. I was so careful that I would not take off the helmet in a restaurant, while eating. With great difficulty, I would drink my coffee; with greater difficulty, eat my meals and with the greatest difficulty, washed my face and mouth after a meal; all with the helmet on. People would stare at me as though I was a little numb in the head, but I was sure they would do the same if they were chased by a cloned monster that was a cross between a Tyrannosaurus and a human being. He was probably an experiment that went partially wrong; in the process of making a clone that had the brains of a human and the strength of a Tyrannosaurus.
“Sir, why do you always eat with a helmet on your head?” asked the cashier at the hotel, while I was paying the bill.
“Just to make sure that no flies ever flew into my mouth while I opened my mouth to eat,” I answered cryptically.
“Well, you only had to keep your mouth shut instead of clamping your entire head with a helmet, to prevent flies from flying inside.”
“Now, if I kept my mouth shut, through which entrance would I push the food in, you silly ass?”
“Oh ohh, okay.” I seemed to have driven the point home.
“Hey you!” I shuddered at the sound and turned around. T Rex was standing behind me with an expression that said “What would you like to be written on your tombstone?”
I tried to run past him, but he picked me up like you would a kitten. I twisted and swirled violently causing my helmet, which was not tied tight, to fly off and land on T Rex’s head. His head being bigger and wider, the helmet did not reach all the way down and looked like a roman warrior’s headgear minus the feathers and other paraphernalia. It also covered T Rex’s eyes for a brief moment, which gave me just enough time to free myself and run for cover. I turned to look back after a few steps and found that T Rex had lost his balance and had fallen down on the ground, ramming the helmet hard and tight against his head. He tried to get up, but the fall made the fluid in his ears - cochlea - to shake violently, preventing him from being able to stand upright.
This was my great opportunity and I ran back to the hotel and asked the waiter if I could have some pepper. And then, I generously sprinkled the pepper right into the hole provided by the helmet, on to his face and eyes. He uttered sounds very similar to the ones made by lions that were fighting over a kill and every time he tried to get up, I kicked his knees causing him to lose balance. Just so when I was about to knock him down the 48th time, a police jeep pulled up by my side and out jumped a tall officer who was built like Arnold Shwarzenneger but looked like Tom Cruise. Following him out of the jeep was my pretty Preeti, making my eyes shut and open a few million times, faster than the shutter of the fastest camera ever made.
“Hiya Guys. Meet my husband, Godwin I.P.S”.
“You are married?” I finally managed to say as much, as I watched out of the corner of the eye T Rex get up and stand erect with great difficulty. He then, proceeded to pull the helmet off so violently that I thought his head would also come off, still hinged to the helmet.
“Yes, almost two years now”.
“What are you guys doing?”
“He was showing me how easy it was to lose balance if your eyes were covered,” T Rex answered with an amiability that left me shaking like that bally leaf I told you about. He then proceeded to put his hand on my shoulder and said,
“Venu dear, would you please give me ride home?”
“I like sitting behind a strong man like you, who is so much in control of the bike.”
He then turned around and winked at Preeti, before handing the helmet over to me.