When children reach that peculiar phase in life called teenage, most are usually afflicted by a strange syndrome. For want of a better name, I call it Mallitosis. This condition usually affects the female of the species. However, in some cases, symptoms have been reported in males too. Although this malady is exhibited in the youngster and manifests itself through several symptoms, (chief among which is the constant mouthing of the refrain, “Can I go to the mall?” or its variants such as, “Can I hang out at the mall with my friends?” or “Can you drop me off at the mall?”) strangely, the affected person never experiences any distress – unless of course he or she does not get to go to the mall. All the pain, stress and trauma of the syndrome are suffered by the parents, irrespective of sex.

In the event that the afflicted youngster is denied permission to ‘hang out with friends at the mall’, he seeks recourse by turning the tables on the parents and having them accompany him to the mall. While this is seen as the slightly lesser of the two evils, it usually results in pure, unadulterated torture for the parent. Recent studies have shown that several terrorist outfits and intelligence agencies are employing this as a highly successful interrogation tactic.

Distress to the parent could be in the form of one or more of the following: physical exhaustion from trudging up and down floors, headaches which may result from excessive gnashing of the mandible and the maxilla, psychological damage from over exposure to mind numbing whining, mental trauma from repeated utterance of the monosyllabic “No”, and most importantly a condition known as ‘lightening of the wallet’. While this particular manifestation can do wonders to boost the flailing economy of a nation, it can wreak havoc with domestic economy.

In most cases, it is the female parent who ends up with the unenviable task of escorting the affected youngster to the mall. Contrary to popular belief, not all women enjoy shopping till they die of exhaustion or believe in the therapeutic properties of the activity of exchanging hard earned money for absolutely worthless paraphernalia.  By some strange quirk of destiny, most shopaholic off-springs are born to shopaphobic mothers. (Go on; laugh at your own joke, Powers That Be!)
Another reason parents are beseeched to go along, besides the obvious one of being the owners of workable sets of wheels, is that most often the affected child suffers from delirium and has hallucinations where he sees the parent body as infinite ATMs. This symptom is widespread and is often observed in youngsters unaffected by Mallitosis too.

Once the subject sets foot inside the air-conditioned comfort of the mall, the affliction progresses to the next stage. Her oculi are involuntarily drawn to certain alphabet groupings. The most common ones being S,A,L,E and D,I,S,C,O,U,N,T. Extensive research is in progress to understand whether it is the phonetic elements or etymology of these alphabet groups that draw the subject. These alphabets are by rule, prominently displayed on the festooned windows of huge department stores or stores that sell ‘knick knacks’, also known as ‘absolutely worthless junk’, towards which the afflicted gravitates as if drawn by an invisible magnet.